73 Premarital Questions for Couples Committed to Creating a Solid Foundation for a Lifetime of Love

INTRODUCTION

It can be daunting, scary or intimidating to answer questions like these because you might find out that even though you're in love, you are not compatible.

Would you prefer to find that out now or later?

My work with couples, has shown me how underprepared and unrealistic we are about marriage / partnership.

Most people fall into the trap (and I have too) of thinking love is enough.

But it's not.

You need a shared purpose and vision.

AKA you need to answer tough questions like these to actually get on the same page and figure out how you'll integrate your differences (and if your partner is actually willing and able to do so).

Once the chemical cocktail of love wears off, couples are faced with the harsh reality of their differences, imperfections, trauma and ego.

By then, most couples have kids and a house - they're tied together for life. It gets messy fast.

So these questions are meant to save you a ton of time, energy and conflict later on.

When you don't ask and answer these questions up front, they will most definitely pop up 5 to 10 years down the road in the form of hurt, disappointment, disagreement, resentment, misunderstandings and fights.

As you sip and gulp and swim in the chemical cocktail of love, here are 35 sobering questions to support you to build a solid foundation for your relationship...

So that it can not just last a lifetime, but so that you can actively cultivate a culture within your partnership that serves as a resource of trust, intimacy, security, understanding and aliveness.

Don't worry if you don't have all the answers yet. The questions will highlight some blindspots that might be uncomfortable to look at.

Stay curious and let the questions invite you to discover how you can become a better partner, parent, friend and lover. (PS each of those archetypes/roles are important!)

BEFORE YOU BEGIN

If you really want to dive deep, BEFORE YOU READ THESE QUESTIONS, I suggest you and your partner come up with 20 questions each that you think are important to ask as preparation for marriage. Do it separately so you aren't influenced by each other.

Combine your questions, then journal about each BEFORE you have a discussion. Read your answers to each other THEN discuss.

Remember: This is about awareness, growth and learning. Don't use these questions to judge yourself. Everyone says they want to grow, but fewer are willing to actually humble their ego and honest with themselves. Every questions is a growth opportunity.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

It's not just your answers that matter, but HOW you discuss these questions. Your answers might point to compatibility or incompatibility, but HOW you discuss your differences and vulnerable answers to these questions is really what's most important.

These questions will burst the bubble of your illusions, hidden expectations and support you to face reality. Many people avoid facing reality. It's human nature to be reactive not proactive. That's okay, no need to judge ourselves or each other for that. In a way, you could say your willingness to answer these questions truthfully is a form of love and commitment to creating and sustaining a nourishing relationship in the long-term.

I highly recommend you journal about your answers BEFORE you discuss. This allows you to connect with you authentic voice/truth before you're influenced by each other.

FAMILY

1) How often do you expect us to see each other's families every year? What are birthdays, holidays and Christmas like for your family?

2) Do you want kids? Why or why not? How many?

3) What are some lessons / skills you learned later in life (or still need to learn) that you'd want to teach your kids?

4) To what extent to you see or want our parents involved in raising our kids? Why?

5) What should our kids eat vs not eat and why?

6) What was your relationship like with your mom growing up? How did she handle her emotions like fear, anger, sadness and joy? What similarities or differences do you see in yourself? What aspects of your mom's personality and the way she raised you do you want to replicate vs not replicate?

7) What was your relationship like with your dad growing up? How did he handle his emotions like fear, anger, sadness, and joy? What similarities or differences do you see in yourself? What aspects of your dad's personality and the way he raised you do you want to replicate vs not replicate?

8) How was conflict handled in your family? How have you learned to handle conflict as a result? What would you like to be similar or different and why?

9) How strict were your parents? How do you think that will affect your parenting style? How do you plan to balance keeping them safe with letting them be free?

10) What do you think it takes to be a GREAT parent?

FINANCES

11) What do you think about having shared vs separate bank accounts? How do you envision handling our finances? How should a couple make financial decisions? Do you plan to manage your money together or have one person do it?

12) What's your relationship like with money? Do you have debt right now? What are you spending habits? How do you currently manage your money?

13) How did/do your parents handle their finances? What would you change?

SEX & INTIMACY

14) What's your relationship like with sex, intimacy, porn and masturbation?

15) How often do you imagine having sex and why?

16) What do you want to explore more of?

17) What do you never want to try?

18) Do you like to use toys? Why or why not?

19) What do you feel most shy vs excited about?

20) What do you think it takes to be a GREAT lover?

EMOTIONS

21) Tell me about a time when you noticed automatic judgments and blame arise in you and chose to respond instead of react.

22) What do you feel most proud of in your life? Give yourself permission to brag and boast.

23) What's your relationship like with anger, triggers and emotional reactions?

24) How do you self-regulate? When you get stressed, how do you destress? Do you tend to do more or do less as a way of coping with stress?

25) Give me an example of when you de-escalated conflict by validating someone's perspective and emotions.

26) What addictions do you have now or have you had in the past? How has this / does this affect your relationships? What support do you need in this area?

27) What's your relationship with people-pleasing, boundaries and resentment? What do boundaries and resentment mean to you? How have boundaries kept you out of resentment or not?

28) What's something you used to, or currently have, shame around?

29) What's something you regret doing or not doing?

30) What's your relationship like with powerlessness, fear, control, helpless and blame?

31) What's your relationship like with appreciation, reassurance and encouragement? How important do you think these are to give and receive in a relationship?

HOT TOPICS

32) What do you think about vaccines? Are you vaccinated? Would you want our kids to get vaccinated?

33) What do you strongly dislike in the world right now? What are some things that irk or disgust you? What are some things that "just aren't right" and should not be tolerated in the world.

34) What topics / issues do you find worrisome or ridiculous politically?

PARTNERSHIP

35) What are your top 3 values and why?

36) Who do you currently rely on in your life for support? What's your relationship like with receiving help?

37) What do you think it takes to be a GREAT partner?

38) What are some lessons you've learned about love and trust from your past relationships?

39) Are you still friends with any of your exes? Why or why not?

40) What's your relationship like with conflict? Do you tend to try and make things better quickly by talking it out, or pull away and need space?

41) Why do you want to get married? What does marriage and life partnership mean to you? Besides love, why is being in a relationship a good idea?

42) What do you think is expected of men vs women in relationship? How do your desires and needs align or differ from these expectations?

43) What are the pros and cons of marriage / partnership?

44) Do you prefer monogamy or polyamory? Why?

45) When you look at other couples, what do you think some have done right vs wrong? What's sad about some couples? What's beautiful about some couples?

46) If roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, what do you plan to do differently? What do you think contributes to that statistic?

47) What relationships in your life have not ended well, or simply fell away and why?

48) What's something you didn't realize was that important to you, but you came to realize was a dealbreaker for you in a relationship?

49) What's something you really value / care about but you could be flexible on? (For example, it's extremely important that you have house in the country, but you're open to a discussion that could sway you to live in the city under certain circumstances).

50) What hopes, dreams, needs, fantasies, desires and expectations do you have of a partner? Which ones do you think are common sense that everyone would want, and which ones do you feel more shy about?

51) If you could get selfish and have anything you really want, what does your ideal partner do for you everyday? (If you didn't have to worry about whether they wanted the same thing or not, or making things fair, if you could just purely receive selfishly without offering anything in return).

52) What does self-love / self-care mean to you? How do you practice it daily?

53) What's your relationship like with leadership and integrity? How do you practice it in your life right now?

54) What are you currently role modelling in your life and why? In what ways do you strive to inspire / motivate / be an example for others or yourself?

55) Are you more messy and disorganized or neat and organized? How is that reflected in your bedroom and kitchen? What are your expectations around household chores like cleaning and making meals? What feels fair to you?

56) Can you tell me about the last time you were vulnerable? What motivated you to be vulnerable? What does vulnerability mean to you? Why is it important to you?

57) Can you tell me about a time you apologized to someone?

58) How does humility show up in your life?

59) Can you tell me about a time when you forgave someone and what that was like for you? Can you tell me about a time when you were forgiven and what that was like for you?

60) Do you believe people need to earn your trust or do you give it freely and let people prove you wrong? Give an example of when trust was broken in a relationship and how you reacted.

61) To what extent do you believe honesty is necessary in a relationship? Give an example of when you thought it was better to protect someone with a white lie vs telling them the blunt truth.

62) Where do you envision living together and why?

63) What are some of your strengths and weaknesses? How do they show up in your life.

64) What's something you've had a hard time letting go of in your past?

65) If you didn't have a partner or family, how would you spend your time? What would you use that extra time to do?

66) What are some of the passions and hobbies that feed your soul? What role does creativity play in your life?

67) Are you open to having weekly or monthly check-ins where we given receive feedback about what we're doing well and how we could improve being a better parent, partner, lover, and friend? Giving and receiving feedback is hard and often triggers defensiveness. What would you need to help you feel safe to receive hard truths that could improve the overall quality of our relationship?

68) If things got difficult between us, would you be interested and proactive about seeking help from a coach, counsellor or therapist? Why or why not? What do you think about coaches, counsellors and therapists? What experience have you personally had with them so far? If you were to seek one out, what qualities would you be looking for? What would getting help for our relationship in the form of therapy mean to you?

OVERVIEW

69) Out of all these questions, which ones seems like the most common sense to you? Why?

70) Out of all these questions, which ones were the hardest to answer? Why?

71) Out of all these questions, which ones seem the least important vs most important? Why?

72) What's the smallest change you think you could make that would make the biggest difference in us building a strong foundation in our relationship right now?

73) What's the smallest change you think I could make that would make the biggest difference in us building a strong foundation in our relationship right now?

CONCLUSION

Most couples think they're not like everyone else. As I explain in this video Learn the 6 steps along the pathway to disconnection and the 1 mistake that even the smartest couples make, one of the biggest "problems" couples face is minimizing the problem.

Just like water eroding rock, intimacy erodes very slowly over time, so it sneaks up on you.

Remember, the prerequisite for intimacy is vulnerability. So by having the courage to dive deep into some of the differences that will arise as you answer these questions, if you're willing to practice vulnerability (short-term discomfort), you will deepen you connection in the long-term.

I personally believe in front-loading the hard stuff in life and in relationships. Otherwise, you end up sweeping things under the rug you'll have to deal with later anyways.

Wishing you all the best on your journey towards interdependence - differentiating as two individual in connection with each other; it's a beautiful dance!