Creating Agreements vs “Setting” Boundaries

I prefer not to use the language “setting” boundaries, because it feels like it’s something I’m “doing to” someone or forcing upon them.

Yes, in cases of abuse, you could say a boundary is something you need to powerfully assert, “set” or “do to” someone as a means of self-protection. In this most extreme case a boundary becomes a wall. If someone disrespects, tests or ignores your boundaries deliberately and you have to communicate a “hard no” wall, it could be a good time to pause and reflect, “Is this someone I want to keep in my life?” How many chances are you going to give them? How many times will you allow yourself to be disrespected or hurt?

Anyone that I need to set a boundary with in this way is not someone I keep in my life. At the very least I would spend much less time with them but probably cut them out completely.

In most other instances where you want to keep someone in your life, boundaries are much better agreed upon than set. Boundaries become shared agreements about how you both want to move forward together in a new way.

Boundaries in these types of relationships focus on connection versus correction. They focus on empathy, understanding, and mutuality rather than punishment or distance. While you always have a right to set boundaries in whatever way you choose, shared agreements feel much better than setting boundaries that people are expected to obey.

Imagine your partner schedules a date night with you then doesn’t show up. Your expectations are broken so you get hurt. You had a nice evening planned and for whatever reason they forgot. If they continue to miss important events that you plan together you might start to feel like you need to set a boundary to protect yourself from getting hurt again. It’s a natural reaction in this case to create distance even though you want to be close. You could set a boundary and say, “I’m not going on dates with you anymore.” But maybe there’s another way.

It’s helpful to maintain a mindset of collaboration rather than competition when creating boundaries together. We get sucked into competition when we get hurt and perceive someone as a threat. If you will continue to be in a long-term relationship with this person, then it’s helpful to focus on connection over correction. Try to remember you’re on the same team. This isn’t about “me versus you”, it’s about “us”, so you can ask the questions:

• What agreement could we make to prevent this from happening again?

• What would support us both feeling safe, respected and taken care of?

• What is our ideal relationship vision? What agreement could we make to move towards that?

• What implicit and explicit agreements do we need to renegotiate so our needs and standards are included and respected?

• How can we both get more of what we want without compromising our values and who we are?

Since your best interests are my best interests and my best interests are your best interests let’s focus on connecting versus protecting ourselves from each other. Let’s work to create agreements that open us to each other versus close. We have a choice to operate as a team in an interdependent way where we come together to consciously trust and rely on each other, or to operate in independence where we stay in fear, separation and self-protection. We’ll unpack many distinctions between codependence, independence and interdependence in Myth 10.

What should you NOT accept?

When people talk about boundaries, they’re often referring to, “How do I get someone to change? How do I get someone to stop doing something I don’t really like and start doing something I prefer?”

Is there someone in your life that you don’t want to control or manipulate, but you do want to influence them in a positive direction, as much for their benefit as for yours?

We often get stuck on, “Should I just accept this? Am I making too big a deal about this? Or is this something I really need changed in my relationship?”

Of course you don’t want to expect or demand perfection from your partner, but you do want to operate as a team to create equality, safety, and trust in your relationship; to create a dynamic that feels really good for both of you.

Imagine you’re at your house having drinks with your friend Suzy. She spills a glass of wine on your carpet then doesn’t offer to clean it up. The first time it’s okay, no big deal. But over the years she continues to be careless and unaware when she drinks which results in her spilling wine every time she’s over. You hear from your friend-circle that Suzy is known for this. They all play it down saying, “That’s just how Suzy is, no big deal.” Is this something you should just accept too because she does this with everyone?

No, it’s your house and your unique relationship with Suzy. Just because many other people are okay with something that bothers you, doesn’t mean you should be. This isn’t about making Suzy a bad person for spilling her drinks, this is about you creating the environment and relationship you desire and deserve. If you’re going to continue being in relationship with Suzy, you’re responsible for letting her know what your standards and preferences are while she’s in your space relating with you.

You could “set” a boundary by saying something mildly disciplining, controlling, threatening or punishing like, “I’m not going to have you over anymore if you keep doing that.” That’s a form of a boundary and it could work. However, its intention feels more corrective than connecting. If Suzy is someone you’d like to keep in your life and build a deeper relationship with, a more collaborative approach would be to get curious about Suzy’s behaviour and see if there’s an agreement you could create together that would feel good for both of you moving forward.

The sentiment of boundaries in this case is, “I’d love to connect! If you’d like to come and enjoy my house, here are the ground rules. What are yours? Here’s how I’d like to play. Here’s what’s okay and not okay in my space. How about you? Certain things are up for negotiation and others aren’t. If how you want to connect doesn’t align with me, that’s okay, I’m not willing to disconnect with myself to be with you. If there comes a time when you’re ready, able and willing to meet me here, I welcome it. I wonder if there’s an agreement we could make that would allow us to connect and both feel really good.”