Integrity Builds Trust - Men Answering Women's Call

1) Do what you say. own when you can’t. No excuses. (AKA be honest).

She wants to know what’s going on inside of you.

Stop making her guess.

Don’t want to?

Say so.

Unsure?

Say so.

What do you want?

Ask for it.

Be direct.

Stop trying to protect her by withholding.

Start sharing how you really feel.

Don’t sugar coat it.

That doesn’t mean be an insensitive asshole.

It means honour her with the truth.

Integrity and honesty are how you gain her trust.

And respect.

Your truth or plans change?

Let her know.

This isn’t about being rigid, it’s about communicating what’s true moment by moment.

Integrity builds trust because when you do what you say (and communicate when you can’t follow through as early as possible), she knows she can count on you.

You’re reliable.

AKA she can trust you to show up when she needs you.

That’s why the little things matter.

Everything is an indication or signal that she can trust you.

Or not.

If you can’t follow through on simple tasks, how can she trust you to really be there for her when shit actually goes down?

Do what you say.

Own when you can’t.

No excuses.

Be honest.

2) Take initiative. Be proactive. Take the lead. Be ambitious. Go. Get . It.

What helps her relax?

Things being taken care of.

Not necessarily taken care of “for her”…

But in YOUR life, as well as in your relationship.

You’re on the same team, so act like it.

Get your shit so handled you are available to support others in general, including her.

When she sees and feels you’re going after what you want, she won’t just relax and trust you, she’ll get turned on.

Don’t wait for shit to build up.

And don’t shame yourself when you do.

Do things for yourself, not to please her.

Pleasing her is a natural byproduct of your ambition.

When shit’s in the way of your ambition, like all of that unprocessed emotional stuff we’ve been conditioned to minimize, you get help.

That’s not weakness.

You get help BECAUSE you’re ambitious and won’t let anything get in the way of what you want. Getting help demonstrates your commitment to growth, to serving her, to actualizing your potential, to getting control and mastery of your life.

A man of purpose, with a mission, with a vision (even vague, it doesn’t have to be written in stone), a man who knows himself, is a man she can trust.

3) Validate, don’t fix.

What makes you successful at work can destroy your relationship.

Problem-solving is an amazing skill. So use it intentionally, in the right situations.

Cultivate a new relational default: validate, don’t fix or rescue.

She doesn’t want to be seen as a problem to be fixed.

She wants your presence.

She wants your attention.

She wants to FEEL you’re with her. Right now.

Let her know she matters through the way that you give your attention to her, the way you empty your mind and let her pour into your infinite openness.

Otherwise known as “man-splaining” (explaining), fixing is really just another way of explaining, “why you don’t have to feel the way you feel.”

“Man-splaining” or fixing is also called invalidation and conflict escalation 101. So you’ve got to cultivate a new default response if you want her to feel safe and trust you.

Validation is NOT saying, “I understand.” Never say those words. Instead, demonstrate what you understand.

Be able to explain/paraphrase/summarize/extrapolate her perspective even better than she can herself. Explain why it makes complete sense why she feels the way she feels.

Validation doesn’t have to mean you agree. It is simply demonstrating that thoughts, feelings and actions exist and make sense for that person.

Guy Sengstock has a great quote on this:

“I believe the deepest way you can love someone is to fully go on their ride. To listen to them so deeply, that through your listening they gain deeper insight into their own experience.”

When she can count on you to actually listen, you become a safe space she can turn to for understanding.

This is attunement.

Attune to her.

Then she’ll feel (not think), “This guy fucking gets it. He’s able to dance with me. He’s paying attention, he’s meeting me where I’m at. It feels easy to let go.”

When you do she’ll give you her mind and body.

When you build this kind of trust and safety whole new worlds/depths of intimacy open up for you. Physical intimacy becomes a natural extension of emotional intimacy that you’ve created deliberately by cultivating trust and safety in your relationship through the way you listen and validate.

4) Commit to repair. Apologize. Be accountable. Humble yo-self.

Don’t shame yourself in the process of apologizing.

You’re not a bad person unless you make yourself one.

Hurting each other will happen.

It’s unavoidable.

You’re going to disconnect. You’re going to make mistakes.

That’s okay.

What matters most then is repair; A commitment to coming back, to closing the distance.

Reactivity (getting upset/triggered/angry) is disowning how you feel. That means we become reactive and angry when we don’t feel/access what’s underneath the anger. When we don’t own how we feel, we blame others and project our pain upon them.

So instead:

Own your part.

Own your pain.

Own your fear.

Own your vulnerability.

You’re human.

You mess up.

You get scared.

You get hurt.

That’s okay.

That doesn’t make you less of a man.

You don’t need to hide it to try and appear strong or like you’ve got your shit together.

The strength, stability and safety you can emanate for her and others comes from embracing, not avoiding (or minimizing) what’s true inside of you.

When you initiate repair, disconnection and conflict become little blips within the larger foundation of stability you’ve created in your relationship.

When a real foundation of trust is established through commitment to repair, there literally becomes no reason or need for explosions or arguments because neither of you feels threatened or insecure about your relationship.

5) Operate as a team by building this key relational skill

You’re no longer a lone wolf, you’re in relationship. So it’s important you really get what that means.

Your actions and lack of actions now impact each other.

Your best interests are their best interests.

Their best interests are your best interests.

That means every decision you make impacts the other.

When you understand that and operate like that, you build trust because you’re naturally taking her into consideration.

That’s what she wants.

To be considered.

To be included in your vision for your life together.

You let her know she matters by listening to her and incorporating her needs, concerns and desires into your ever-evolving vision of what you want to create together. This is also the essence of leadership.

One of the most important skills you want to get awesome at in relationship is negotiation.

When you’re on the same team, it’s like playing a card game but you have the opportunity to show your cards to each other so you can create the best outcome together.

Honesty is the equivalent of showing your cards to each other. Without radical honesty you can’t negotiate the best outcome, you each literally rob yourselves of that opportunity when you withhold.

If you want the highest outcome possible for both of you, you’ve got to be hyper honest with each other. That means including all of yourself, not people-pleasing in any way.

Saying the shit that’s as hard to speak as it is hard to hear.

It means owning what you actually want.

Only then, do you have a starting ground where you can truly begin to negotiate fo-real.