Surrender - Women Answering Men's Call

1) Be explicit who's in the lead on each task.

Hovering around making sure he’s doing it your way = I don’t trust you.

Instead, be explicit: “I’m letting you take the lead on this.”

Or define and agree to terms for tasks that feel good for both of you: “Would you be willing to do this by x date or in x way?”

Now that the terms are defined, “I’m letting you take the lead on this.”

Once you’ve explicitly chosen he's the on a task… let go.

Your surrender = I trust you.

2) Let him know what actions and tasks provide you.

There are so many responsibilities, especially with kids, that it’s easy to feel bossed around as you try and both get everything done.

Relationships become transactional quickly if we don’t stay conscious.

Rather than say, “I need this” or “I need you to ____” share what each task provides you.

“I would really appreciate it if you could ____ because that would help me feel grounded and cared for. Would you be willing to _______ for me?”

Say it with presence. Let him feel you and how much it means to you.

He wants to serve you.

He doesn’t want to be controlled or bossed around. No one does.

Turn ordinary tasks into meaningful ways of caring for you and your family by helping him understand what each task provides you.

3) Trust what he says at face value (don't read into it).

When you ask him twice if he’s okay to do what he said he’ll do…

“Are you sure?” (while caring) = I don’t trust you.

Don’t ask him to do a task then micro-manage it.

Instead, take his words at face value.

Women tend to search for hidden meaning.

Men tend to say what they mean.

Trust what he says.

4) Let him feel your pain instead of your anger.

Instead of projecting your anger or anxiety on him through blame and control, role model for him what it’s like to feel and reveal the vulnerability underneath:

“When you leave, I feel hurt, scared, helpless and alone. I don’t want to react in a way that makes you leave or close up, so I wonder, what can we both work on to help each other feel safe to stay and work this through?”

Take turns being the Listener and the Speaker when you get hurt or disagree.

We all want to be seen and understood, especially when we’re hurt.

But someone’s got to listen (non-defensively) first.

Role model what you want more of.

5) If you want him to open up, stay receptive, don't interrupt.

Safety is receptivity.

Be the energetic space that creates an opportunity for him to open up.

Going out to “try” or “get” him to see, feel or understand something is the opposite of receptivity.

If all he feels is you see/feel something that he doesn’t, he’s unlikely to open up.

Let him feel your receptivity.

Receptivity allowing.

Receptivity is trust the wisdom of distance and not opening up.

It’s peacefulness.

It’s an empty vessel that he can pour himself into.

Exploring what’s inside is vulnerable. Most people, perhaps men especially, don’t really know how they feel sometimes until they have a chance to explore it out loud.

When he’s done speaking, stay silent. Stay receptive. Keep listening. Stay curious. Stay. Silent.

Remember, while you’re staying silent and really listening, hear what he’s actually saying, not what you think it means.

6) Shower him with admiration.

Admiration is a different kind of appreciation.

It’s easy to get caught up pointing out what’s wrong or what we want different in relationships.

We can put an equal amount of attention on what’s going right.

That’s how you create the culture of your relationship.

Appreciate him for the tasks he does, but also share what you see in him.

Share why you’re with him.

Share why you had kids with him.

Share what he teaches you everyday.

Share what you respect him for.

Share what he’s been able to provide for you.

Share this with your words, but also show it by how deeply you surrender and trust him.